Like My Dog

    Lately I have had to listen to country music, since other people at work are weirdos for whom listening to Freebird at least twice a day is not a pleasurable experience. I will not mince words: I hate country and western. Except Taylor Swift. She can stay. I also dislike most dogs for various reasons, so the song "Like My Dog" by Billy Currington is a perfect storm of annoying music and terrible lyrics. Here's the first verse and what I assume is the chorus, since he repeats that part a couple more times in the rest of the song.

He never tells me that he's sick of this house
He never says why don't you get off that couch?
He dont cost me nothin when he wants to go out
I want you to love me like my dog

He never says I need a new attitude
Him and my sister ain't always in a feud
When I leave the seat up he don't think that it's rude
I want you to love me like my dog does Baby

When I come home, I want you to just go crazy
He never looks at me like he might hate me
I want you to love me like my dog


   On the surface, this seems like a wistful song desiring the unconditional love only a dog can give. Who doesn't feel special when you come home and there's the faithful mutt wagging his tail in delirious joy at your mere presence? But let's look deeper, since that's what I do when I'm bored at work. Dogs cannot talk, which seems a pretty obvious statement to make, really. While we're at it, water is wet, and the Olsen twins didn't quite turn out the way people expected. But in several lines throughout, Billy feels it necessary to point out that a dog doesn't say things, so here we are. Okay, so your wife or girlfriend complains about things, that's an aspect of humanity not exactly unique to the women you know, or even women in general. Yet, Currington wants a girl who will act like a dog, and not complain. What's the message here? You want a mute girlfriend? Seems a little odd, but hey, the vocally challenged (is that the right nomenclature?) need love too.


    Let's look at the line "When I come home, want you to just go crazy." A dog does not understand the concepts of time and other places that it cannot immediately see. When you leave the house, a dog assumes you are gone forever. Whether you're gone for five minutes or five days, the dog literally believes that you will never return. So when you make your magical return, the dog is ecstatic that you haven't been mysteriously erased from existence. No matter how many times you repeat this process, the dog will continue the cycle of missing you and being insanely happy to see you again. This is because dogs are stupid. They will eat their own feces, left unattended. So, Billy Currington, you want a girl who is so unintelligent, she thinks you disappear for hours at a time and then magically re-enter her life, allowing her to "go crazy." So you want a dumb mute girl? Getting a little creepy, dude.


    The very first line of the song begins on a pretty bad note. Any person will get sick of any location if they stay there long enough, be it a house, the backyard, or even Disneyland. (I'd sure get tired of Disneyland after the dozenth time having to buy a single Exedrin pill for five dollars to get rid of the dehydration headaches I would get after vomiting up the six dollar hot dogs and only drinking four dollar sodas). So if your wife is sick of the house, take her places! Oh but then you whine that when you go out it costs money. But hey, all it takes to keep a dog happy is stopping at the corner store on the way home and grabbing some dog treats, which you'll only give out after it stands up or rolls over or some other silly trick that amuses you.


    So to recap, Billy Currington wants a girl who can't talk, is dumb as Paris Hilton after a lobotomy, is easily amused, requires very little effort to keep content, and never challenges his authority (actually, a dog may occasionally challenge you, but hey, you can hit a dog!) It ain't a good look, Billy. And let's not get into the other role reversals this particular comparison invites, such as loving your dog the way you love your wife. Although a song about loving you like a cat might be interesting. Only wants attention for a random two hour segment of time per week, treats you like a servant, sleeps at all hours of the day and runs rampaging through the house at 2 am. Eh, maybe that one doesn't work either.