A Plea From The Future

    This is Lieutenant Ken Donaldson, Fourth Scout Division. Our primary mission objective has failed, and only I am left to try to finish the secondary. Someone has to stop him. I hope I'm sending this to the right time coordinates. If I have, then in about five or six years from your time, a horrible event will occur. You have to stop it if you can. A secret scientific project discovered a way to transfer consciousness to a digital format. George Lucas was the first man rich enough to undergo the procedure. At 1400 hours on March 14th, 2017, George Lucas will transfer his brain into a robot body. Shortly thereafter, he hired mercenaries to destroy the facility and its research, ensuring he would be the only one in a robot body. At 0000, July 2nd, 2018, all six Star Wars movies were rereleased in 3D with even more upgrades. Judgement Day. It's about fifty years later, we think. You can't imagine it. Lucas has released his movies over and over in various formats. There's a version with an "artsy" black and white color scheme. There's the Twi'lek Saga, a version where this green skinned girl dances in the corner of the screen the whole time. He even digitally altered all the actor's faces to have pointed canine teeth and blood dripping from their mouths for Vampire Star Wars.

   I'm not sure how we've even survived. No one can stop Lucas. Millions are chained into seats in movie theaters, massive, miles long buildings that stretch across the sun baked land of every country. These mammoth monuments to Lucas' power are so tall they blot out the sun for acres and acres around them. Millions of pairs of eyes are wrenched open by the Lucas' Vision Appreciation Chairs, viewing cut after cut of Star Wars, as Lucas strives over and over to perfect his ultimate vision of the Star Wars universe.

    He's- oh god, it's so hard to even say this. He invented time travel. In a way, it could be a blessing, as this is the only way we can get the message out to you. But he wants to use it to- to destroy the Artifacts. The only way we've been able to resist him is to watch the Original Theatrical Version, in cold, dark, underground theaters. They're small and only seat a few people at a time, and someone stuck gum on one of the seats and it's really caked in there so no one can clean it off. But we can watch the Originals, the way they were first released. It gives us hope. But he wants to destroy them. He's going to send drones back to remove old copies, so only his latest perfect vision will exist. We don't know what kind of effect it will have on our timeline, but please. You have to stop him. Kill George Lucas before he gets his indestructible robot body. I think they've found me. I can hear metal footsteps in the hall. I don't have any more time. Stop him, please! For the future's sake!